Absurdity of Meaningless Life
I don't understand the meaning in life.
I always feel there is only a vacuumness, an unfillable emptiness.
I don't know what to write. ... Even my words are keeping a distance from me. I had only words as my friends, my feelings-sharing companions. Now as they are not with me, I feel lonely. ... I feel lost. ...
When I feel tired or if I want to turn away my mind from concerning about various physical aches, I watch some movies, especially the ones that deal with love at the midst of wars ... even though both war and love are matters of my hatred. ... Well, in spite of the truth that those movies provide me a sort of transient silent pleasure to my nerves, in the rest of the hours, I feel completely empty and most often I am troubled by the thought that why I live as a corpse.
Sometimes, my impulses carry me to the world of my talent to ease my mind. As I am a realist cum fantasy writer, thoughts of imaginary flesh and bone characters come to mind and provoke me to jot those thoughts down as plots.
If I have ample time I will either record or I will write my thoughts down in whatever sheets available, as I do now. This act is one among the things which give me happiness and moreover, ... confidence. But confidence in what? That might be the question. I know. ... Well, I feel confident in myself. I feel like I am born with a purpose ... with a load of responsibilities, towards nature, family, society and towards the world at large. Also I feel, I have the caliber to perform my duties with vigour and whole-heartedness. And I see as a vision where I do full justice to my life and soul.
After a while, my thoughts vanish and thus my belief in my dreams and aspirations too fades. I feel desp, dull and feel like gradually fading away or weathering away like an autumn leaf ... dry, pale and yellow. Yes, my life is yellow in hue. It turns shiny golden when I am hopeful. At the same time, it becomes dull orange when I lose hope. The fact is, most of the time, my life is almost like a shining sun at the horizon.
In 24x7, 23x7 I feel lost, but in the rest one hour of each day, my parents and hostel-mates try their level best to motivate me to make me cheerful and pleasant and to make me understand there is some or other kind of meaning present in life. Whether it is positive or negative, that doesn't matter. But life is meaningful and we should enjoy our life ... that's their stand. Well, I can read their mind ... poor people, the innocent ones. ... What to do!! Still I feel lost.
Very often my parents advise me to study well so that I can perform my best in the upcoming exam. Thus I open my textbooks and read. But one day, when I opened one of my texts, the printed pages starred at me so badly as if I am a culprit. After a few seconds of staring, the letters in the page started speaking to me like a friend. They asked why I mug up the unnecessary matters ... why I fill my talented brain with trash of academic stuff ... why I store the gibberish and compromise my thoughts and peacefulness. I stood speechless in front of hose question-arrows shot by the letters in my texts. How could I tell tem, I too have number of questions and question-marks
in my mind which constantly quakes my thoughts resting in tranquility.
I studied 20 years continuously from the age of 3 in various academic institutions as 1+2+10+2+3+2. During these years, I was taught by my God, my thoughts, my parents, my teachers and my friends. All those teachings aided me to form my self-wisdom. But, still I feel lost, gone and meaningless, coz my conscious says absurdity is ruling the world and chaos is at throne.
I don't know what more to say ... to write ...
Even now, while I am writing this, I feel ... !!!
...
